The Most Bestest Snape and Hermione Fic Ever!
by SibilantSibyl18
Summary: Sad songs? Check. Tissue Box? Check. Then you're ready. A sad, sad story of true love (snickering) and the following demise of both parties involved. A parody of SS/HG fics.


The **_MOST BESTEST_** SNAPE and HERMIONE fic **_EVER_**  
                            3 _by a young girl who watches too many soap operas 3  
  
Hermione Granger was a pretty (of course), attractive (of course), and beautiful (didn't we just say that?) seventh year who had changed greatly (of course) from the dorked-out first year she once was. It wasn't that she had ever been ugly. No, she was instead "aesthetically challenged." However, thanks to variety of hair-care products (because we all know that bushy hair is unsightly), make up, and assorted magic, Hermione no longer had to worry about being ugly. She had more serious problems, one of which was that she now looked like a hooker.  
  
Not that this bothered her. After all, who needs brains?_

  
  As she woke up in the morning, (alone, you dirty minded child!) millions of thoughts raced through her  head, running into each other like manic ferrets. Hermione noted this, and then realized that she this was only because she was drunk. She shrugged. No different from usual. She then proceeded to clumsily put on her revealing red dress, sparkly high heels, and garish makeup. She staggered into the Great Hall clumsily and, being careful not to rip her carefully ripped concoction, sat down. Harry and Ron were nowhere to be seen, and really, she couldn't blame them. She wouldn't want to be seen with the Hooker of Hogwarts either. A little voice inside of her whispered that she still could rectify this unfortunate situation, but she gave it a shot of vodka, and it proceeded to giggle drunkenly. No, she was happy the way things were. Being mindful to show a little leg in the direction of the professors' table on the way out, she headed for her next class: Potions.

  
Harry and Ron had not saved her a seat. The little voice inside her started to whisper, so she decided to shoot it (without vodka, this time). It whimpered and died. Satisfied, Hermione looked around for a chair. The only one open was next to a leering Draco Malfoy. As she pranced over to Malfoy drunkenly, she felt an intense gaze on her back, almost begging her to acknowledge its existence. Hermione sat down stubbornly and averted her eyes, seductively winking at Draco instead. There was no possible way that Hermione would ever fall for a deep, dark, intense, glamorous, sexy, passionate, longing, intelligent.... gaze again.  
  
Chapter 1:   
It had begun in the beginning of Hermione's seventh year, when she was conveniently over the age of sixteen. Coincidence much? Nope. Hermione had then been a conservative, prudish witch, who had bushy hair, and brown eyes, and most notably, intelligence. She was not hopelessly beautiful nor was she yet a garish prostitute. She was simply the girl that she had always been: intelligent and an avid reader, which sometimes annoyed her two friends, who had not yet abandoned her. As a Gryffindor, Hermione had always believed herself to be brave, which meant that she was also foolhardy and in love with lost causes. This would change. She had yet to fall in love with anything else. This would also change.

  
         She was sitting in the Common Room with Ron and Harry. Inexplicably, she was still not involved with Ron, despite all of JKR's hints. It was a boring night, a dark and stormy night, with nothing to do. There was always homework to do, however, so Hermione happily curled up with a textbook. All of the sudden, Ron started shaking and fell to the floor, twitching wildly. Harry continued to stare into the fire morosely. Hermione continued to read. Ron, his words coming out in gasps, continued to twitch away. Hermione continued to read. "Hermione," Ron called, "don't do it! Please, please, not the dark wolf on the day of the purple tortoise! Argghhhh!" Even though the symbolism here was completely obvious and in no need of elaboration on Ron's part, Hermione continued to be oblivious to Ron's newfound Sight. The foreshadowing was simple enough. Obviously, it meant that Hermione would be--- this part has been censored by the Mercy for Misled Mistresses of Magic foundation.  
  
Because time is not of the essence in the world of fanfiction, Hermione's next appearance was in her Potions class. Harry and Ron had saved her a seat, although at a later period they would no longer do so and she would no longer want them to do so. She was approximately 15 seconds late, however, as she had pondered a bit too long that morning on the Faustian nature of the third major wizarding battle and its relation to Arithmancy and purple tortoises. "Miss Granger," Snape hissed, his disdain apparent, "that will be one thousand million points from Gryffindor for your impertinence." 

Hermione bit her lip and began to cry, but soon ceased crying as she was afraid that the salt would ruin her Love Potion, which they were (coincidentally yet again) making in Potions today. Hermione, like the genius that she was, finished her potion before Snape finished giving instructions. This was not surprising as it took him ten times as long as any normal person to say the words, because he drew them out and savored them in a savage manner. In a half hour, however, the class had (for the most part) finished their Love Potions, except for Neville, who never finished anything and always stammered and needed Hermione's help because that was the course of fanfiction. Snape stopped and examined each student's potion, nodding approvingly at all... except (coincidentally) Hermione's. "Miss Granger," Snape barked, "your potion seems to be of a 3/100 lavender, 97/100 violet shade, while I believe I specifically instructed that is should appear to be 4/100 lavender and 96/100 violet. Obviously, you have disregarded my instructions yet again. Detention and another thousand points from Gryffindor. Show up at around ten, that should be late enou- I mean, you should be finished your homework by then. Prepare to work hard." With a sneer, he turned around. Close to tears, Hermione picked up her Love Potion instead of her schoolbag and inexplicably dumped its contents into her mouth. 

"Oh no!" Hermione realized, as the potion churned in her stomach violently (and she really couldn't blame it, seeing as the object of her affections was somewhat disgusting- to her formerly, at least). This was when the real change began. It was the beginning of Hermione's unlikely change from demure, model Gryffindor to wild, seductive Gryffindor.  
  
Chapter 2-  
  
Snape frantically mopped the dungeon's floors, making them conveniently wet and slippery. At 9:59, Hermione poked her bushy head in and walked towards Snape's desk, which was conveniently cleared away of all sharp objects. As she reached the front of the desk, she slipped! Surprise, surprise! As Snape's strong, muscular (why? he never works out or anything and Potions aren't what you would call heavy!) arms caught her, they fell together to the floor. What a surprise. Hermione immediately jumped to the floor, but, as we have mentioned, it was slippery. As in hard to stay upright on. So she fell across his conveniently cleared desk, her head hitting the strategically placed pillow. Snape leapt to his feet immediately to see if she was injured. Surprise surprise, she wasn't, but she did have a small cut to show that her LOVE for SNAPE would involve great PAIN. Foreshadowing! "Stupid child!" Snape hissed sibilantly, "even though I purposely mopped the floors for this express purpose, it is beyond my vast intelligence to attempt to unravel just why you fell to the floor in my arms. Impudence! One thousand points from Gryffindor! Meet me here again tomorrow. It's a Thursday. Expect the floors to be wet. I'm a very clean man with a very sick min--. Oh, just show up." Hermione slid across the floors crying and exited.

The next evening she showed up again at 9:59, wearing rubber boots. Snape looked very disappointed. The evening, however, proved not to be a total waste, as Snape had been kind enough to set up some softly-burning candles and had romantic music playing in the background. As they stood together, a potion simmering in the cauldron, Snape (as always) looked different from the vile, sarcastic jerk he usually appeared to be. Hermione realized a number of things:  
1) Snape's hair was not greasy, it just shone appealingly

  
2) Snape's eyes were not threatening, they were piercing

  
3) Snape's voice was not creepy, it was silky

  
4) Snape was the bestest thing since sliced bread!  
It was a spiritual epiphany. She placed her hand on Snape's arm timidly, and looked up into his eyes, thinking "piercing, not threatening. Piercing, not threatening, piercing not threatening."  
  
For some strange reason, Snape suddenly become angsty and started to weep silently to himself. Hermione ran over in her rubber boots to comfort him as he lay moaning on the floor. She tenderly patted his shoulder, and at last, Snape's "silky-not-creepy" voice emerged from his body, which still lay contorted in a fetal position on the floor. "Is it possible?" Snape murmured, his breath coming out in gasps because of the tears, "can you really love this old pedophilic sarcastic death eater, who is old enough to be your father, and who has never shown you anything but hatred and bitterness?" "Of course!" Hermione cried, as she flung herself on him. "I love you, Snape!" As they sat together on the floor, embracing each other, the narrator was suddenly overwhelmed by all of these violent, angst-laden emotions and ran from the keyboard, only typing in the following words to her readers.

"Authors Note: Snape and hermione are so awesome together i love them so much they're my favoritist pairing ever. thanks so much to my reviewers i'm so glad you liked my story i can't wait to write more it's going to be so aweomse especially the next few chapters. i just love hopeless love and to my reviewers, thanks to allof you you rock but not as much as snpae! thanks thanks except for SmartGirl5, who is a bitch, b/c no snape is not too old for her! they're just the right age for each others and to SnapeyMustDie just becaus i hate there s/n and b/c they sed that there was no plot development."  
  
Abridged Chapter 3-  
UST and lust.  
  
Abridged Chapter 4-  
Hermione protests.  
  
Abridged Chapter 5-  
Snape pleads.  
  
Abridged Chapter 6-  
Hermione protests.  
  
(Three week break on author's part because she feels guilty for writing such smut. Author watches soap operas to brace herself for next chapter)  
  
Abridged Chapter 7  
Their "first encounter" in the dungeons. Taa-daa!

  
Chapter 8-28  
Sex all over Hogwarts and much guilt for both parties involved.  
  
Chapter 29  
  
Headmaster Dumbledore realized that something was up. No, it just wasn't the lipstick kisses on Snape's handkerchiefs. And it wasn't the information he had received that Snape addressed Hermione in class (and out of class, presumably) as "Kitten" and "Darling" and "Sexay Thang." Dumbledore was not annoyed by this. No, it was the recent shortage of twizzlers and gummy bears in the kitchen that had really bugged him about Snape and Hermione. Who knows why they were gone, but gone they were, and as every fanfiction reader knows, Dumbledore's only role in stories is to make inane comments and offer Muggle candies to all. So obviously, due to the shortage of treats, he could no longer offer said candies, which cut out on his story time, which obviously bothered him.

"Snape," Dumbledore said to the Potions Master, "this little affair with Miss Granger has gotten out of hand. I simply cannot have my gummy bears missin- I mean, you can't go around sleeping with every student. I made exceptions for Miss Weasley, Miss Bell, Miss Spinnet, Professor Sinistra-- but I cannot allow this to continue. You must end the affair. Now. Without taking any more twizzlers or gummy bears."  
  
Snape bowed his head sadly, knowing he would have to break it off with his 304th soulmate. The thought skewered his mind like a shish kabob.  
  
Chapter 30  
"My 'Mione," Snape murmured as Hermione glided into his dungeons at 10, "I have some very horrible, awful, dreadful news for you."

  
Hermione thought for a second. "Is it that you laundered my pink silk nightie wrong again? I'll forgive you."

  
"Oh, that reminds me. It's a few sizes smaller now. Do you mind?"  
  
"Not at all. Please continue."

Snape hurriedly gathered his thoughts together, and vanquished all thoughts of the pink silk, horribly shrunken and mutilated (symbolism for their now dying LOVE!) nightie from his mind. He cleared his throat. "Well, SnakeyPrincess, it's like this. You know how much I love you, right? You know I love you like a daughter?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"And you know that I've given up all other women for you, right?"  
  
"Yes. I do remember allowing you to keep the men, though."  
  
"It was sweet of you."  
  
"Not at all. Is something wrong, Professor?"  
  
"Yes. Imagine this. Our love was like a flobberworm just beginning to breathe, when suddenly, it was stepped on and smashed by the great unyielding shoe of Dumbledore."

"Oh no," Hermione said, her face white against her bright red lipstick. "Not the gummy bears."  
  
"Not just the gummy bears. The twizzlers, too."  
  
Hermione started to back up, silently shaking her head in fear, "Not the twizzlers? It's over then, Professor?"  
  
Snape remorsefully bowed his head. "I'm sorry, 'Mione."  
  
Tears began to form in Hermione's eyes. She ran out of the dungeon, sobbing wildly. Suddenly, she turned abruptly and strode back to the dungeons with purpose.  
  
Snape expected a declaration of undying love, and had his face set with steely resolve mixed with tenderness, though his black eyes glistened with unshed tears.  
  
"Professor," Hermione said, "do I still have full marks for this quarter?"

  
Chapter 31-  
Hermione realized, sitting in Snape's class with her red dress on, holding hands with Malfoy, that her life lacked all sense of purpose without her Professor. Without glancing in his direction, and without letting go of Malfoy's clammy grip, Hermione cautiously raised her hand to answer a question, being mindful to show a little bit of leg.

  
  
Professor Snape's eyes opened wider, but then, somewhat sadly, he renewed his interest in Miss Patil's potion.   
  
Hermione dunked her head into the boiling cauldron and died.   
  
The End.  
Author's Note: thanks to all my betas, isn't that sadddd! i thought their love was so desperite and yet so true and so like shakespeare romeo and juliet kind of. they were doomed and fated and its so sad but this could happen to any one of us so rememer that love is the most important thing you all! all you need is love! to all those bitches who hate my stories and think snape is a pedophile you know who you are and i hope you die and burn in hell.


End file.
